Surrender

This is not meant to be a dump fest. I'm not trying to puke information. I want to testify to the glory of God. There is alot to sort through to get there.

It has been since December since I wrote here, and life's craziness has left me spinning in confusion, frustration, brokenness, yet peace and grace. In December, my grandmother passed away and a few days later, I moved out of my parents house. The end of January brought a new quarter and a new relationship with my closest friend. Things started well, and were going well. Our relationship was founded on Christ, and was one of the healthiest I had ever been in.

While all this was happening, I was preparing for a mission trip to Ecuador. I received all the funding I needed in a couple days as God provided in bulk for an adventure of a lifetime. I received $2000 in a matter of 24 hours, while I had already raised $600. The next day, I bought my plane ticket and rejoiced.

The school year went on, and my relationship seemed to be going well. I began to think about summer bills while I would be gone, finding an apartment, maintaining my job in the school year to come, while trying to balance my relationship, do well in school, and gather things for the mission. I began to dwindle in energy, and I felt the need for someone to help me...

It was overwhelming as the school year drew to a close. I hardly knew who I was, buried in the "have to's" and long list of "want to's". There was just not enough time for everything. I began to question the relationship I was in, I questioned God's provision, I defaulted on self reliance instead of living a "simple, focused, and self-controlled" life.

Very recently...well, last week, my boyfriend broke up with me, leaving me sick and crushed with still far too much to do. He meant well. I truly believe that. Upon the break up, God poured in new and old concepts that I didn't want to listed to. I didn't want to believe that it was his will, or that He could possibly be asking for all of me, not just the part that wasn't frantic. I didn't want to believe that He was "cutting me loose from the dock" to allow me to sail through stormy waters, with nothing but him as my ship, my rudder, my guiding star and my wind. I didn't want to believe it. But I have to. I have to believe that He has a better plan than anything I could have hoped for. I have to believe that He asks us to do things that don't make sense. Through out the week, I have been delving more into my devotional "My Utmost For His Highest" By Oswald Chambers. And it's funny to see just how everything in that book, day by day, has everything to do with the mental struggle I am going through in exactly that moment. All I can say is..."Thanks God".

A week before the break up, God took me through how He asks us to do things that don't make sense. The day before the break up, He took me through how He would never leave me, nor forsake me, and sent me a little message through my brother, that I was loved! No matter what the enemy told me or what the world brought, I was loved. The morning of the break up, before it happened, I read a psalm that spoke of a lamenting David, crying out about how no one cared for the out come of his life. Well, shortly after that, I received a call from a relative of mine, just calling to see if I was alright, neither one of us knowing the raging waters God was about to ask me to walk on. Yesterday, I looked back at the devotionals I skipped while I was grieving, and found Oswald talking about how God is asking us not to spend all your time in calm waters just inside the harbor full of joy and always tied to the dock. More and more, things were sinking in.

The "tied to the dock" metaphor is who I was. Secured in a relationship, going to school, living for myself and not for others. God has seemingly cut my line to the dock, he's sending me out to work for the good of others, without family, without the caring heart of my friend, He beckons me on, that I would rely on no one else but Him. But oh the hurt.

I want to be bitter and angry at everyone that brought this upon me, but the truth is that God's name must be glorified. I have no place to be angry or complain, specially if I am going to believe that my life is hidden in Christ and his purposes. I can only say..."Ok God. Let's go. " Because the more I fight myself, and those who hurt me like this, the more I'm refusing to surrender the brokenness to God, surrender all feelings of hurt, anger, confusion, frustration...To truly surrender all to God.

So I declare, through the tears, through the sickness of the grief, I declare to scream at the top of my lungs through the anger and the pain, "You God, You are enough." I choose to forgive, I choose to have grace and love. I choose the way of Christ. God you are enough for me. Be my everything. I surrender.