Holes

It's interesting the impact that people have on your heart. I know for me, the ache of people come and gone can get overwhelming. I wish I could write letters to them, that they'd receive them with joy, that they weren't too far away to answer.

Abandonment issues? or holes in the heart?

For those who are missing, you are missed. You are wanted. You are loved. You left a hole in our hearts, or maybe it was just mine. Just know I'm still hanging on for you. Maybe it's unhealthy...but I don't want to give up.

Jesus,

You are stronger than this. Lord, you see the holes left by people that I've loved dearly. I know that the feelings of losing them is only a fraction of how you feel as you look down on us when we don't seek you. Lord, would you forgive me for the times I've left holes in your heart?

Let your name be lifted higher, Lord. I could list the people that I long to have in my life, I could count them on my fingers. My heartbreak is so small, but Lord, despite how small it is, would you take it?

Teach me to love with your strength. Teach me to cherish memories, and to not let them turn me bitter. Lord, you are my fortress. Only you can fill the void left by people who have left me and the people I've left.

One day, we will all be together again. There will be no more pain or sorrow. No confusion. We will be together. Days past and the agony with it will be a mere memory. How long, Lord? How long till you take us home? I long for that day.

Lord, all I can do is look to you. I know you hear me. I know you listen. You hear me. Please take this as a meek offering, I know that you already have all of me. But I surrender it to you.

Surrender

This is not meant to be a dump fest. I'm not trying to puke information. I want to testify to the glory of God. There is alot to sort through to get there.

It has been since December since I wrote here, and life's craziness has left me spinning in confusion, frustration, brokenness, yet peace and grace. In December, my grandmother passed away and a few days later, I moved out of my parents house. The end of January brought a new quarter and a new relationship with my closest friend. Things started well, and were going well. Our relationship was founded on Christ, and was one of the healthiest I had ever been in.

While all this was happening, I was preparing for a mission trip to Ecuador. I received all the funding I needed in a couple days as God provided in bulk for an adventure of a lifetime. I received $2000 in a matter of 24 hours, while I had already raised $600. The next day, I bought my plane ticket and rejoiced.

The school year went on, and my relationship seemed to be going well. I began to think about summer bills while I would be gone, finding an apartment, maintaining my job in the school year to come, while trying to balance my relationship, do well in school, and gather things for the mission. I began to dwindle in energy, and I felt the need for someone to help me...

It was overwhelming as the school year drew to a close. I hardly knew who I was, buried in the "have to's" and long list of "want to's". There was just not enough time for everything. I began to question the relationship I was in, I questioned God's provision, I defaulted on self reliance instead of living a "simple, focused, and self-controlled" life.

Very recently...well, last week, my boyfriend broke up with me, leaving me sick and crushed with still far too much to do. He meant well. I truly believe that. Upon the break up, God poured in new and old concepts that I didn't want to listed to. I didn't want to believe that it was his will, or that He could possibly be asking for all of me, not just the part that wasn't frantic. I didn't want to believe that He was "cutting me loose from the dock" to allow me to sail through stormy waters, with nothing but him as my ship, my rudder, my guiding star and my wind. I didn't want to believe it. But I have to. I have to believe that He has a better plan than anything I could have hoped for. I have to believe that He asks us to do things that don't make sense. Through out the week, I have been delving more into my devotional "My Utmost For His Highest" By Oswald Chambers. And it's funny to see just how everything in that book, day by day, has everything to do with the mental struggle I am going through in exactly that moment. All I can say is..."Thanks God".

A week before the break up, God took me through how He asks us to do things that don't make sense. The day before the break up, He took me through how He would never leave me, nor forsake me, and sent me a little message through my brother, that I was loved! No matter what the enemy told me or what the world brought, I was loved. The morning of the break up, before it happened, I read a psalm that spoke of a lamenting David, crying out about how no one cared for the out come of his life. Well, shortly after that, I received a call from a relative of mine, just calling to see if I was alright, neither one of us knowing the raging waters God was about to ask me to walk on. Yesterday, I looked back at the devotionals I skipped while I was grieving, and found Oswald talking about how God is asking us not to spend all your time in calm waters just inside the harbor full of joy and always tied to the dock. More and more, things were sinking in.

The "tied to the dock" metaphor is who I was. Secured in a relationship, going to school, living for myself and not for others. God has seemingly cut my line to the dock, he's sending me out to work for the good of others, without family, without the caring heart of my friend, He beckons me on, that I would rely on no one else but Him. But oh the hurt.

I want to be bitter and angry at everyone that brought this upon me, but the truth is that God's name must be glorified. I have no place to be angry or complain, specially if I am going to believe that my life is hidden in Christ and his purposes. I can only say..."Ok God. Let's go. " Because the more I fight myself, and those who hurt me like this, the more I'm refusing to surrender the brokenness to God, surrender all feelings of hurt, anger, confusion, frustration...To truly surrender all to God.

So I declare, through the tears, through the sickness of the grief, I declare to scream at the top of my lungs through the anger and the pain, "You God, You are enough." I choose to forgive, I choose to have grace and love. I choose the way of Christ. God you are enough for me. Be my everything. I surrender.

Romanced by the King

So I was walking along this evening, up Cedar Street, just listening and looking all around, and owls were conversing about how beautiful the stars were, and I agreed with them. I had passed the awestruck owls and I came upon a loose hound dog. He was sniffing around enjoying the peaceful night as much as I was. I went up to Betz Elementary, and walked on the frozen grass that sparkled and shuddered under the weight of each step. There's an old tree, one that I used to play with my friends by, all sorts of pretend games and tag. Our imaginations would run wild! As I walked past, the old leaves whispered fond memories back to me as the wind danced through them

I asked God, “Will you meet me here?”

I went and sat down at the old swing set and rocked in the chilly night, looking up at the silent stars.

"You really did do a great job with those jewels up there"

And I waited.

Minutes passed, and my mind strayed to the bad memories of the place...but the darkness would not hold me captive tonight.

I got up and began walking across the old soccer field; the grass was stiff and frozen, making me feel like a graceful princess walking through a sea of sparkling glitter, side by side with her King. Through the gate and up the road, He led me far, up and up and up into the hills.

I looked up and saw the old water tower I had tried to go to when I was little, and remembered the forbiddeness of it, but the silence and the peace of tonight left me with no fear of the darkness. The moon was high, and the frost glittered as if there was no darkness at all. All was beautiful and breathtaking.

I ended up taking a wrong turn, but was led to the bottom of a grand hill where the water tower stood silently, alone, frozen in time. Challenged, I smirked at what seemed the Lord, beckoning me onward to adventure.

So across the little valley I trekked. I climbed up the steady slope, with my breath catching in my throat here and there, not noticing how incredibly cold it really was.

Up, up, up I climbed, till finally I reached the top of what seemed an abandoned hill, and I looked and saw houses, lit up for Christmas, warm glows coming from the windows. More I looked, up this time, seeing the cold moon and the shimmering stars. This place is surely meant for me....

I looked across the small valley and saw another hill, this one had trees, and wild curiosity and adventure took hold and quickly I found myself at the bottom of the valley, trekking up this next hill.

The view was just as spectacular for my roving eye

I began to sing songs to Him. How wonderful was He, that I have found a place! A new discovery! Peaceful and tranquil in its creation. "I love you Lord, and I lift my voice..."

It was a small sound, as the cold made my voice like that of a small child before Him who brought me, but it was my gift to Him none the less. When I finished, I was reminded, that it was indeed cold, and I should begin to make the journey home.

Taking my hand, He led me down a safe path, keeping my numb ankles from turning. Slightly ashamed and embarrassed at the little song I had sang and the fragility of my steps, I wondered aloud, "What must He think of me?"

He answered immediately.

"I think you’re adorable"

I just stopped....."What????"

He smiled, and took my hand again, leading me down the road, whispering sweet things to my excited heart. He delights in me! I'm worthy! I'm cherished! I'm beautiful to Him!!!

I was speechless of course, but He knew that, and He continued pouring out His love over me.

Down, down, down again, he led me to the school, and took me across the base ball field. In the sand there were frozen fossilized footprints with glassy ice in them that shimmered brighter than a diamond, reflecting the moon’s ivory glow crackling with every step, yet every which way I turned, they glistened...

I smiled to myself and continued home, thankful for the gifts that had just been poured over me, romanced by the King.

Waiting

As I lie here in the dark of night,

I wait

As I go through the day, moving, bustling, busying

I wait

Sing praise to the Lord for His glory and favor

I wait

Mulling through thoughts and emotion, warring with myself over changes to come

I wait

For a whisper, for a glance, for a smile

a catch of breath, a moment, a promise

I wait

a word...

Be still, and wait

Alligators

I may not know much, but this much I know, my God is a God of prompting, of mission, and a God who hears the prayers of his people.

Father God,

I lift up Melby to you Lord. Built a wall of protection around his heart, mind, body, and spirit. Father, I pray that you would protect him from alligators, or any sin that would entice him to harm him for the rest of his life. Father, be with his parents, that they would be strong in protecting him, and keeping him from harm. I pray for the village, that they would not be stagnant but be full of you, and that they would be active! That they would move with vigor toward your goals for them. I pray that they would look out for the safety of the young generations that will be the one's to bring change. Father, Lord....I pray for healing for Melby, that if he is hurt in any way, that you will take care of him. Father...I pray that if Melby is in danger of alligators that you would keep him and his siblings safe from harm. Father, be with their village, keep the village safe Father...protect them.

And finally God, I pray that if I'm called to action as a rescuer, that you would call me to be strong and courageous, that that strength would flow through me directly from you. Lord, help me to be ready, help me to move quickly, help me to remember what to do to save them.

I have absolute faith that you are in control Father. I have faith in my heart that you are a God that listens to the prayers of your people. You do act on our behalf. That is the kind of God you are.

Here's my explanation of the prayer.

I woke up this morning, a mere 10 minutes ago, from a dream that made me cry and made my heart sick. I had to pray. Here's what happened.

I was in an area, like a zoo, but I was at a zoo pond, open to the public. The pond was murky and shallow, all around it was dusty dry dirt. I was sitting next to a bench talking to an old man, about what, I don't know. I turned to look at the pond and the people around it, and I saw the reptilian spine of an alligator basking in the warm waters. A mother and her infant walked up to the pond as if to go for a swim, saw the alligator, and moved to a different area of the pond to go in. I was about to be alarmed by this course of action, that they would even be near the brown waters, when I looked again at the same spot. My beloved Melby, child of Guatemalan village San Francisco, one that I had become very attached to on my recent mission, was stepping into the water, a foot from the beast. I tried to scream at him, no sound came out...all I could do was watch. He sidled up next to the gator's head, the gator slowly came to understand there was something living, right next to his head. Melby then went deeper, and yanked the gator's tail. As you would see in any discovery channel show, the gator whipped his head back, mouth wide open and faced down the small child. Melby tried to run, but too slow, the gator snapped down on his left arm. My lifeguard instincts kicked in, to go and rescue him, but I was glued to the ground, unable to move, unable to make a sound, but just to watch in shock as my dear friend was attacked.

I woke up shaking....closed my eyes again, for just a moment...

and Melby was in my arms, and me running rescue drills through my head, and screaming to myself "I don't care if the scene isn't safe!" He was missing his left arm, and was unconscious in my arms. I woke up, told my mother, tears rolling down my cheeks as I retold it....she told me....Pray.

Faith

After my recent study of Hope, I thought I would find the contrast between Hope and Faith. What is Faith? What is religion? How can "we live by faith and not by sight" ? I've heard the saying, but what does it mean to me?

faith:

1. Confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2. Belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3. Belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4. Belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc.: to be of the same faith

with someone concerning honesty

5. A system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

6. The obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear

would be breaking faith.

7. The observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise,oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only

one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.

8. Christian Theology: The trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures

by which humans are justified or saved.

—Idiom

9. In faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

(I find it very strange that the perhaps the actual Biblical definition apart for the worldly view of faith is the last one on the list on Dictionary.com.)

2 Chronicles 20:20 "Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."

(There are so many times when the people are called to have faith in the Bible, or rather someone's faith is seen as amazing, they are healed, because of faith.)

Matthew 9:27-30 "As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, 'Have mercy on us, Son of David!' When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, 'Do you believe that I am able to do this?'

'Yes, Lord' they replied.

Then he touched their eyes and said, 'According to your faith will it be done to you'; and their sight was restored."

(According to this, it says that faith is belief. The men had faith/the belief that Jesus was going to heal them, and he did.)

Matthew 17:14-21 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. "Lord, have mercy on my son, " he said. "He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him."

"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me." Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy and he was healed from that moment.

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

(Here the faith is defined as a belief and almost a will that holds the power of God in it. Faith big enough to drive out demons and move mountains, faith to use the gifts that God gives us, belief that those things can happen.) (God's word is truth. Why would he tell us these things if they couldn't and didn't happen?)

Matthew 24:9-10 "Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other..."

(Faith here is the belief in Jesus, what we know today as Christianity, whether it be Catholic, Lutheran, Four Square, any one to believe that Jesus is God's only begotten son, sent to die for us, that we may have a glorious eternity with Him. The verse is describing end times, when Jesus is comes again!)

Mark 11:20-25 In the morning, as they went along, they was the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, " Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed is withered!"

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

(To me there seems to be so many promises that aren't accepted because of lack of faith.)

Basically the Bible has tons of verses concerning faith and what it can do.

Luke 7:9; 12:28; 17:5; 18:8

Acts 14:9; 14:27

Romans 1:12; 1:17; 3:3; 3:22; 3:25; 4:5; 5:1; 10:17; 14:1; 14:23

1 Corinthians 13:2; 13:13; 16:13

2 Corinthians 5:7; 13:5

Galatians 2:16; 2:20; 3:11; 3:24

Ephesians 2:8; 4:5; 6:16

Colossians 1:23

1 Thessalonians 5:8

1 Timothy 2:15; 4:1; 5:8; 6:12

2 Timothy 3:15; 4:7

Philemon :6

Hebrews 10:38; 11:1; 11:3; 11:5; 11:6; 11:8; 11:17; 11:20-24; 11:31; 12:2

James 2:14; 2:17; 2:26

2 Peter 1:5

1 John 5:4

Jude :3

But the one verse that talks about the true meaning of faith is found in Hebrews.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure about what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I know that God calls his children to have mighty faith in him. I'm sure of the hope that I have in his salvation, and I'm certain that the God that I do not always see is always there, that he sent his son, to save me. And that's exciting!

Thank you Lord, for everything. I wish I could sing a million songs of praise to you, just by opening my mouth. You are there always, when I don't see you, when I don't feel you. You never let go, through the calm and through the storm.

Great is the Lord that answers the cries of his unfaithful people, we who are so easily pulled in so many different directions, cast about by the idols of the age.

Praise be to the God of love, who grasps the universe in just the palm of his hand, yet he numbers the hairs on our head. Sing aloud with joy and admiration to the one that counts the strands of DNA in our being, to the one that knows the make up of the smallest building blocks of life. How awesome is HE?

The Great I Am that saves over and over again, to have his people turn away once more, yet he continues to hear our cries. Ever faithful is he to us, Lord let us be faithful forever to you.